Stand Up Comedy

Writer Must Be FUNNY

1) I have a guy in my class named Harry and he’s actually Really Harry lmao.

One time I caught him self grooming his arm hair as he was casually speaking to me. It was gross.

2)I feel a huge burst of energy today.
I should continuously adopt day-napping.
I think it also helps that I wake up to cute texts from my caring friend
She lights up my world
Puts a fire in my ass haha
You know what else puts a fire in my ass?
Indian food
Never have i ever craved
Indian food

3)I live with trump supporters????

4)Lied I’m my resume and didn’t get a job. I put down too many jobs that show I’m well rounded. Guy literally said to me that I don’t stick around long enough. He’s the first man to tell me that. I can’t do relationships. Especially with straight men.

5)I’m such an ass

My paranoid mother

So here is the thing

She and I sat down to eat brunch

Next thing you know it we are yelling

I take a bite of a banana

She expresses how much she hates those

I take another bite

And she screaches on top of her lungs

Don’t eat that banana!

I think, hmm is she that insane?

It has red infected HIV blood in it.

I’m like no mom, get a brain.

She read it somewhere on Facebook

It was probably a hoax ad

Her ignorance led her to believe

Something so bizarre and so rad

I said mom next time you read something

Do your fucking research

Before you preach it to the world

I promise it wouldn’t hurt

5) I fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking hate my parents sometimes

They are a real pain in my ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass.

They don’t let me drive to school.

They would rather let me waste 5 hours to travel to and from Adelphi.

I hate that I’m miserable, and when I tell them, they say I act like a princess.

My parents got a car for my sister when she entered college. Then 2 years later they upgraded her to a fucking Lexus GS something something.

I’m a Junior at Adelphi and they don’t even let me borrow the family car for one day. I have one class on Wednesday that’s 45 min long. 5 hours of transportation. And that’s okay for them.

I’m sick on top of everything. Eyes and throat are red. Everything hurts.

Here’s another thing that irritates the fuck fuck fuck out of me. I got my first phone in High School because I needed it to travel to Manhattan. My little 13 year old sister that’s in 7th grade just got a fucking phone. Her school is UP THE BLOCK FROM OUR HOUSE.

You know what they said When I questioned their idiotic choice? Times have changed. (Teacher says elaborate) She needs a phone.

BUT I CAN’T FUCKING DRIVE THE CAR TO SCHOOL ON ONE DAY OF THE WEEK.

What else you may ask? There’s alot more but I’m starting to cry now and I’m getting in the train. Fuck everything.

6)Can’t sleep.
My parents health are declining.
My dad never eats at work. He runs 5 businesses. And whenever he’s stressed he pops 4 Advil. He runs on coffee. He never goes to the doctor’s. He’s gonna drop dead one day. I can’t sleep.
They think my mom has cancer. What the actual fuck. Why are they un healthy. To top it off, we’re going broke.
Guilt is eating me alive rn. I feel like shit for being an ass. My parents are killing themselves for me and my two sisters. I should never complain and just count my blessings.
I cannot sleep.

7)When I’m sad I want a hot chocolate

When I’m happy I want an orange lol

Vitamin C is really good for you. I would add it to the list of pills I pop for my other health issues, but I’m a natural girl. I can go with an Orange.

8)2 min skit

So I wanna thank my parents for driving me up here.relationship with my mom. There’s such a big wall between us, which makes sense since she’s a trump supporter.

Yesterday, mid shower, she barges in without even knocking to tell me the most non important thing in the world. The milk will be spoiled tomorrow. Thanks Mom, but I’m lactose intolerant.

I’m also the middle child. Almost always I’ve got shit served on a silver platter.

They actually just got ANOTHER car for my 23 year old sister, because one wasn’t enough.

I’m 20 I can’t even borrow the beat up family car for a day.

I blame my 9 year old sister for my misery. That spoiled brat made me a middle child.

Kids these days get whatever they want. Things that they don’t even need.

She asks for a phone? No problem
Other sis asks for a car? She gets 2
What do I get? a metro card.

It takes me 2 in a half hours to commute to school from queens to long island.
It takes that girl 2 min to walk to school.

I stood up and questioned my parents mentality.
Mom! Dad! That girl doesn’t need a phone. I got my first when I was 15!
And they croak back to me
"Suzy. Times have changed." "She needs a phone."
Wtf is gonna happen to her? Is she supposed to call you in case she trips over a rock?
"I fell while updating my snap chat" CLICK "Walking past my neighbors house" CLICK
"School!" CLICK!?
I mean cmon. 2 in a half fucking hours.
I have to walk to the fucking bus, take 2 trains, the lirr, and a shuttle.
Do times not change for ME???

Hmm, Lets see…
(Jingle keys) we got you ANOTHER car honey
(Hand out phone) Here’s your phone baby girl
(Take out metro card) Here’s a metro card.

The middle child always gets shit served on a silver platter.
"It’s on a fucking platter!" My Dad would croak "Stop complaining!"
Damn.
Parents.
You know what else i have a love hate relationship with?
The fucking MTA
The train shall NOT be held momentarily by the trains dispatcher thank you very much.
TIMES HAVE CHANGED; bitch
How about you get me from place to place on time?
But you know, thats not what even pisses me off.
A white girl like me really hates the lighting in the subway.
It’s so fucking bright I have to put on my spf100 or I’ll burn!

And the smells just adds to the burning.
The other day there was a guy cleaning the floors with a bottle of bleach.
Washing a hobos pee just pissing away with a bottle of bleach.
Like sir? How the fuck does that not burn your eyes nose and throat sir.
I had to run on by with a hand to my face.

8 years. Thats how long I’ve been a customer to the subway system in NYC. Almost everything about it is shit. Except one.
I thank the MTA for teaching me how to hold my breath for extensive periods of time.

It also taught me NOT to get fucking excited when there’s a jam packed E train coming to the station with one entire empty cart.
First time I saw that, I chased that cart to get a goddamn seat.
And no one was crowded up against me either.
That
I was like yeah that’s right BITCHES. Step back!
Finally you have some RESPECT.
This is some VIP service.
Y’all are idiots hahah
Doors open – I run In to get a seat –
And then I run right the fuck out into crowded cart.
(Pause for laughter)
WHAT THE FUCK MAN.
WHY!?
How could I put this exactly.
It wrenched of shit, piss, vomit, and death.
No one helps you in this world.
I swear.
It’s every man for themselves.
It doesn’t get any easier eh? Life is just shit piss vomit and death served on a silver platter.
You really meet all kinds of nasty in the subway.

9)2 min skit continued

But the lighting in the subway!

It’s so fucking bright!

I have to put sunscreen on or I’ll burn!

And the smell just adds to the burning.

The other day there was a guy cleaning the floors with a bottle of bleach.
Washin away a hobos pee.
Pissin away with a bottle of bleach.

Like how the fuck does that not burn your eyes nose and throat sir?
I had to walk by with a hand to my face.

8 years ive been taking the subway and the only pro is learning how to hold my breath for extensive periods of time.

I’m sure everyone here knows not to get excited when there’s a jam packed E train coming to the station with (show with hands) one entire empty cart.

You see no one ever fucking told me that.
First time I saw that empty cart i chased that mother fucking thing to get a goddamn seat.

No one is crowded up infront of me

All I could think in that moment YEAH BITCHES.

Finally you have some RESPECT.

This is some VIP service.

Y’all are idiots hahah

Doors open – I run In to get a seat –

And then I run right the fuck out into crowded cart.

(Pause for laughter)

WHAT THE FUCK MAN.

WHY!?

How could I put this exactly.

It wrenched of shit, piss, vomit, and death.

No one helps you in this world.
I swear.
It’s every man for themselves.

10)2 min skit finished up

The other day there was guy sitting across from me. Just gross.
He looked like if you get close enough, he might stink. He just could not stop bitting his nails. I was gonna offer him my sandwich cause he look so famished.
But then picked his nose and put his finger back inside his mouth. Aha I’m keeping my sandwich, he already ate.
(Pause for laughter)
And then I noticed a wedding band on his finger and i thought to myself, who would marry that pig?
I mean, most woman generally have bad taste in men,
but he was like picking his nose,
touching his face,
scratching his scalp,
biting his fingers.
Straight men are gross
I’ve got a love hate relationship with them too.
That’s why I stick to woman.
My relationship with men is not love hate, it’s
"My name is,no.
My sign is, no.
My number is, no.
You need to fucking go."

I came out to my parents a few months ago. They read my letter and handed it back saying, we love you no matter what.
But you need to burn this.

Translation:
Get your ass back in the closet.

I really only came out because I was outed out. I was going on an LGBT trip to Israel. #Faglit. Those fuckers decided to call my parents to confirm my registration.That’s really how it went down. Some stranger I didn’t even know fucked it all up for me.

But honestly he or she did me a great service.

I could love who I love and my parents would still love me back.

Thanks so much everyone, you’ve been great

Things you should stay away from talking about:
don’t be so mean and vulgar.
don’t talk about my girlfriend
stay away from talking about me being gay

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